Chapter 12

Gu Nianxi slept deeply.

By the time she woke, the sun was already high in the sky. Xiao An tiptoed in with her meal.

"The Second Miss told me everything, miss," she said, her eyes full of concern. "Don't worry—we'll be discreet. No one will find out you're not in the locked room!"

In the past, when Gu Nianxi was locked in seclusion, Xiao An could only sneak food to her through the door, helping her barely endure the darkness and hunger. But Gu Nianxi always came out worse for wear, and Xiao An's heart ached, though she could do nothing.

Now that the Second Miss had turned over a new leaf, showing care for her sister and even sneaking her out, Xiao An felt relieved. Still, she thought, if only the Second Miss wouldn't fight the young lady over the family fortune, everything would be perfect.

Gu Nianxi picked up her soymilk and took a sip, then glanced at her phone.

·7:40

【Bai Jin】: I'm heading out.

【Bai Jin】: You didn't eat dinner last night. Make sure you have breakfast. I told Xiao An to get you something easy on the stomach.

·8:50

【Bai Jin】: Image.jpg

【Bai Jin】: There's a little cat sunbathing below the Hongsheng building. So cute.

【Bai Jin】: Image.jpg Image.jpg

【Bai Jin】: It caught me sneaking a photo. It ran off.

【Bai Jin】: If you were here, it wouldn't have run.

Gu Nianxi couldn't help but smile.

Bai Jin was well-liked by people, yet, curiously, animals didn't take to her. When she passed cats and dogs on the street, they'd bare their teeth at her.

Gu Nianxi was the opposite—animals would sidle up to her, and the moment she reached out, they'd roll over and show their bellies.

If Nian Gao hadn't died...

At that thought, Gu Nianxi's smile faded.

She continued scrolling through Bai Jin's messages:

·9:20

【Bai Jin】: Passed by Yanqing Street and met a vendor selling handmade donkey rolls. Bought some to bring back for you.

【Bai Jin】: Image.jpg

·9:50

【Bai Jin】: Still not up?

Gu Nianxi typed a reply.

【gn】: Awake now.

【gn】: About to sneak out the back door.

【gn】: Heading to the gallery.

She stretched, set down her soymilk, and got ready to leave.

Meanwhile, Bai Jin smiled, set down her phone, and turned to the psychologist.

The psychologist sat across from her, fingers interlaced. "You said you dream of the same person every night, and it's been causing you significant distress. Could you describe these dreams for me?"

"Erotic dreams."

Bai Jin's pale eyes were calm, holding no trace of emotion as she stared at the doctor. "Every night, since April, for three months straight."

The psychologist was experienced and kept his composure. "Having erotic dreams is a normal physiological and psychological occurrence. There's no need to feel ashamed or worried. Do you feel these frequent dreams are affecting your daily life?"

Bai Jin nodded.

"And when you're studying or working, do you also imagine such scenes?"

"Often."

"Do you see this person regularly?"

"Yes, we live together," Bai Jin said. "She's my sister."

At the psychologist's silence, she added, "We're not blood-related."

The psychologist quietly exhaled. "If you don't mind, could you describe her in detail? No need to mention her profession—just your understanding or impression of her will do."

"Alright. Her name is beautiful. She's very pretty, but a bit thin—her wrists are slender, her ankles too. Her eyes are dark and bright. She likes painting, likes blue and pink, likes delicate, cute things, likes pearls and gems, but only for their looks, not their value. She has a sweet tooth but doesn't like milk. She likes shrimp and crab but not other seafood. She loves animals, especially puppies. And animals love her too."

"She doesn't like pain, doesn't like socializing, doesn't like alcohol, and most of all, hates being looked down upon. She's stubborn—once she's made up her mind, nine oxen couldn't pull her back. At first, she didn't like me... but now she probably does."

The psychologist: "..."

Remembering her preferences so clearly... Isn't that love?

Bai Jin saw right through his thoughts and said, "I don't love her. What I feel for her are intrusive thoughts..."

No one would spend all day thinking about confining and violating someone they love.

"It all started with the dreams. The first day I met her, I had that kind of dream that night. After dreaming so often, seeing her during the day, with occasional physical contact, I'd get a reaction that I couldn't control. Lately, it's been worse. When I see her, my mind wanders; when I don't, it wanders too. I want to know..."

"How can I end this reaction? How can I stop dreaming?"

Though her words were restrained, the irritation between her brows was unmistakable.

The psychologist chose his words carefully. "You see, it's perfectly normal to have erotic dreams and sexual fantasies during adolescence. Your moral standards are high, so you feel considerable resistance to these 'transgressive' thoughts. This resistance is causing you to loathe yourself..."

"It's likely blinding you to other possibilities. Have you considered that you might have feelings for her, which is why you can't stop thinking about her?"

Did she like Gu Nianxi?

That question had lingered in Bai Jin's mind ever since the first time she saw Gu Nianxi.

No matter how many times she asked herself, the answer was the same—

"That's impossible," Bai Jin said with a slight smile.

It was settled. Affection should stop at propriety. Desire that exceeded normal bounds had nothing to do with love—it was only harm.

Gu Nianxi had already suffered enough; Bai Jin couldn't bear to hurt her more.

The psychologist, however, seemed to see through her. "Miss Bai, is your quick denial because you truly only feel 'physical attraction' for her, or is it because you're afraid your desires will hurt her?"

*

"Bai Jin likes me? You must be joking." Gu Nianxi laughed so hard she nearly dropped her pencil.

She was at the Bright Moon Gallery at that moment. It was a comprehensive gallery run by the Cui family, handling collections, appraisals, and auctions. After Gu Nianxi had spoken with Cui Rou, she'd come here often over the past two months to paint, and had grown familiar with Cui Xiaoyue.

Cui Xiaoyue raised an eyebrow. "You don't believe me? I'm a lesbian—we have gaydar. You know? One look at how she stares at you, and I could tell she's not innocent toward you!"

Gu Nianxi shook her head. "Impossible. Bai Jin likes men."

She found Cui Xiaoyue's words absurd. In her past life, Bai Jin had been dating Xu Yushan. How could she like women?

Bai Jin, with her strict, serious personality... liking women...

Gu Nianxi started laughing again at the thought.

"Hey, if you don't listen to me, you'll be the one suffering later."

Cui Xiaoyue had only mentioned it in passing; the Gu family's affairs were none of her business. But that day at Hongsheng, she'd noticed something off about Bai Jin, and now that it came to mind, she figured she'd give Gu Nianxi a heads-up. "I heard you're changing your theme? You only have a month before the deadline. Can you make it?"

At the mention of business, Gu Nianxi turned serious. She set down her pencil and picked up the draft. "I can. I did a small sketch yesterday. I just need to reassemble it into the larger piece. I've already planned it out. There's only one problem..."

"I haven't painted the human figure in a long time. I've reviewed anatomy diagrams, but I still need to work from life."

"That's easy. I'll organize a life drawing session in a couple of days," Cui Xiaoyue said, then couldn't help but grin. "But the models we get are mostly old folks. You might as well ask Bai Jin to pose for you—she'd definitely say yes!"

"Shut up!" Gu Nianxi laughed, poking her with the blunt end of her pencil.

Now that they were familiar, Gu Nianxi found Cui Xiaoyue a bit cheeky.

But unlike the usual sycophants, Cui Xiaoyue didn't flatter or look down on her based on her identity, which made it easy to get along.

After a bit of fun, Gu Nianxi glanced at the sky, packed up her things, left the Bright Moon Gallery, and had the driver take her back to the Gu residence.

She realized that as long as she didn't make a fuss, no one bothered about whether she stayed in the locked room. Bai Jin had probably figured that out long ago, which was why she'd been so forceful in dragging her out last night.

As long as the heart wasn't confined, a person was free. Such a simple truth—why had it taken her until now to understand?

She had Bai Jin to thank for that, she thought.

Now, when she thought of Bai Jin, what rose in her chest was no longer the fire of jealousy and resentment, but a faint envy and well-wishing. And it wasn't envy that Bai Jin had won the Gu parents' love—it was that Bai Jin was always clear-headed, seeing things plainly, never spiraling like she did.

Bai Jin was truly a mentor and friend. She would learn from her, and one day, she too would become self-reliant, strong, and dependable.

*

After leaving the clinic, Bai Jin went to visit her parents' graves.

Before the gray tombstones, she placed two bouquets of flowers, a flask of wine, and a small piece of donkey roll. She stood there in silence, gazing at the monuments for a long time.

Her father had been a Chinese language teacher, and whenever he taught her, he'd quote classics like the Analects and the Book of Songs.

But he'd passed away before he could teach her about love.

So Bai Jin didn't understand what love was.

That didn't mean she needed someone to spell it out for her. She could extrapolate from examples, observe her parents, and roughly piece together what love looked like.

Respect. Restraint. Understanding. Devotion.

And what did she feel for Gu Nianxi?

A swelling possessiveness and destructiveness, a madness that made her want to crush her into herself, a viciousness that wanted to make her cry, to stain her.

Gu Nianxi would never know that she'd once considered forcing her to stay in the country.

There were many ways to achieve that goal, and she wouldn't even have to pay much of a price—just telling the Gu family would be enough; they'd never allow Gu Nianxi to go abroad.

Then Gu Nianxi would be angry and depressed, and Bai Jin could step in as the understanding younger sister and friend, comforting her, helping her develop her art career domestically, fulfilling her dreams...

Gu Nianxi would never know the truth. She would even be grateful, dependent on her, treating the perpetrator as a friend.

Bai Jin lowered her eyes.

That was why she said it couldn't be love.

It was merely base desire.

But what she couldn't figure out was why she harbored such terrifying desire for Gu Nianxi. It was so wild, as if she had once lost her...

And yet they had only known each other for three months.

"Affection should stop at propriety," she murmured to herself.

That was the way of a gentleman.

Her words dissipated into the breeze and birdsong, unheard by anyone but her.

After leaving the cemetery, Bai Jin went to see Grandfather Bai, bringing him the usual supplies and telling the caretaker to look after him well.

Ever since her parents died, Grandfather Bai's health had deteriorated sharply, his spirits low, and he often spoke nonsense, requiring constant care.

Life always turned bad in an instant, giving no time to catch one's breath. When her parents had their car accident, her father died on the spot, but her mother lingered in the hospital for another six months.

During those six months, Bai Jin watched the electrocardiogram every day, the undulating lines, and with each passing minute, her mother's chance of waking up grew slimmer.

Reality was not a novel; the hope of a vegetative patient regaining consciousness was infinitely remote. Bai Jin knew that the soul of the woman in the hospital bed had left with her father, leaving only a shell behind.

She sold their house to pay for treatment, but after six months, the money had run dry in the ICU. She pulled the plug herself, watched the jagged line get steeper, then slower, until it flattened into a single straight line amid the beeping. She reached out and touched her mother's face one last time.

Now, looking at her grandfather's increasingly cloudy eyes, the old man enveloped in the aura of forgetfulness and death, seemingly heading down the same path as her mother, she felt a chill of sadness.

Unconsciously, she thought of Gu Nianxi, and what if she died... what if Gu Nianxi died...

She shuddered violently, but couldn't shake the cold.

—If Gu Nianxi were to die, the world would become a desolate, hopeless empty city.