Sending Off: Jiang Xu Waves to Liang Xiaoqing in the Wind

Time flowed on like water, and before she knew it, Jiang Xu was already a senior in high school. Senior year was the most nerve-wracking time for students, and Liang Xiaoqing dared not let her guard down for even a moment. The things she did on a daily basis had become a part of her life—she busied herself with packing Jiang Xu's things, then walking her to the station to catch the bus to the county town.

"Sister Xiaoqing, we need to hurry. The bus is about to leave."

On Saturday afternoons, Jiang Xu came back by bus; on Sunday afternoons, Jiang Xu left by bus. In the past, she'd come back once a week, but with the heavy workload of senior year, she now came back twice a month. Lately, Liang Xiaoqing had been missing Jiang Xu more and more.

"Wait a little longer. Take this towel, and the snacks I bought for you—bring them over here. There's still a bit of room in the suitcase." Liang Xiaoqing's hair had grown longer, reaching her waist, tied back in a low ponytail. She was always saying she'd get it cut, but she never found the time. When Jiang Xu wasn't around, she fretted over whether Jiang Xu could adapt to life outside, whether she was eating well, sleeping well.

Fortunately, Jiang Xu understood her concern and would call her every night from the school's public phone. Their conversations always circled the same topics—schoolwork was heavy but manageable, she was eating and sleeping fine, and she had enough clothes so no need to send more. Liang Xiaoqing would ask a flood of questions, and Jiang Xu would listen attentively on the other end, extremely patient. When she was done, she'd ask how Liang Xiaoqing was doing—whether work was busy, whether she was eating well, whether she was sleeping well.

When she said these things, Jiang Xu's expression was even more serious than when she answered questions. Jiang Xu would remind Liang Xiaoqing to see a doctor when she got sick and not to put it off. A cold a few years back had really done a number on Liang Xiaoqing, lingering for half a month or more. After that, her constitution had weakened, and she'd catch a cold at the slightest chill.

Jiang Xu told her to add clothes when it got cold and shed them when it got hot, and to make sure she ate proper meals in between work instead of skipping meals or overeating. Sometimes Jiang Xu felt like she was the Liang Xiaoqing in this relationship, and Liang Xiaoqing was her. She was always worrying about Liang Xiaoqing's life, because some of Liang Xiaoqing's habits weren't great.

Liang Xiaoqing would say she'd heard her, but usually, just as she was about to say something more, Jiang Xu's phone time would be up. Liang Xiaoqing would tuck those words away, saving them to repeat to Jiang Xu the next time she called.

Since that incident, neither of them had brought it up again, by unspoken agreement. Liang Xiaoqing chalked it up to Jiang Xu being young and foolish, momentarily confused. She'd been a little bothered at first, but as she watched Jiang Xu's behavior afterward, she let it go.

She continued to help Jiang Xu with all her heart, sponsoring her studies, and Jiang Xu's grades kept improving, gradually reaching heights Liang Xiaoqing could never touch. Every time the school notified parents to attend a parent-teacher meeting, Liang Xiaoqing felt deeply honored. Yang Man no longer brought up old matters either; instead, she praised Liang Xiaoqing's good eye—Jiang Xu was such a promising seedling, she'd have a bright future ahead, and Yang Man would bask in some reflected glory.

To that, Liang Xiaoqing heartily agreed.

Jiang Xu had grown up, her wings slowly filling out. She'd become taller than Liang Xiaoqing, the baby fat in her face had melted away, and the advantages of her features had begun to show—big eyes, a straight nose, and her skin had improved a lot under Liang Xiaoqing's care. Jiang Xu was no longer the wallflower she'd been in junior high; her classmates couldn't help but pay attention to her. She'd also made two good friends, both of whom shared her dorm room.

Life passed plainly yet fully, and the tense atmosphere of the approaching college entrance exam kept spurring the students on.

Jiang Xu had matured more than before, and she thought about more things than she used to—like where Liang Xiaoqing's bottom line was, what she could do without making Liang Xiaoqing angry. She had a clear picture of all those boundaries now, and even if she still had feelings, she wouldn't act impulsively like she had before. Wang Qing had never ended up with Liang Xiaoqing after all; word was he'd found a new girlfriend, a girl who sold shoes in town. The girl was very satisfied with him, and she was a good cook too. Wang Qing wasn't much of a talker, and the girl did the talking for both of them—their personalities actually complemented each other... Jiang Xu had been at Liang Xiaoqing's side when this came up, and Yang Man sighed with a hint of regret: "Xiaoqing, what a shame."

Turning around, she started consoling Liang Xiaoqing: "But Xiaoqing, you deserve better."

Liang Xiaoqing quickly changed the subject, and Yang Man dropped it. But Jiang Xu noticed that Liang Xiaoqing didn't seem all that bothered about Wang Qing—or rather... she seemed resistant somehow.

Yet when Jiang Xu tried to figure out why, she couldn't come up with an answer.

Still, she felt safe—safe for herself, and safe for Liang Xiaoqing.

Looking at the familiar little house that had grown older with the passing years, Jiang Xu couldn't help but reflect on the time that had gone by. Things were scattered all over the living room, all brought out by Liang Xiaoqing to send off with her. Liang Xiaoqing had checked the suitcase several times, counting through to make sure nothing Jiang Xu needed was missing.

"Oh right, it's going to get colder in the coming days, so you need to bring more warm clothes." With that, Liang Xiaoqing hurriedly grabbed two cotton-padded jackets from the wardrobe and stuffed them into the suitcase. It was already overflowing, but she kept cramming more in anyway.

Jiang Xu watched anxiously from the side. She really didn't need to bring that much—she'd be wearing the school uniform at school, and the winter uniform was warm enough. There was a padded jacket in her dorm wardrobe, and if it got colder, she could just wear it over the uniform. She wasn't going to freeze. Besides, it wasn't like she wasn't coming back.

At that thought, Jiang Xu's heart gave a little lurch. She was still afraid Liang Xiaoqing would say certain words; those were the words she feared most. But thankfully, Liang Xiaoqing had never again said anything like "leave" since that time.

It was rare to see sunshine outside. In the south, the winter indoors was always gloomy, and the draft blowing through the house cut to the bone. Jiang Xu was wearing her winter school uniform, which looked a bit thin, and her breath came out in white mist. Liang Xiaoqing was afraid of the cold, so she'd sealed the windows tight, leaving only a crack open. The sunlight filtered in through the gap, bringing the cold wind with it. It was warmth laced with chill, making one want to lean into the warmth while having no choice but to avoid the biting draft.

Sunlight spilled over Jiang Xu's hair and face, wrapping her in a soft, downy glow. Her backpack was heavy with books, and she shifted, stepping forward two paces to take hold of Liang Xiaoqing's arm.

Liang Xiaoqing looked thinner than before. Jiang Xu pulled her up easily, and the things in Liang Xiaoqing's hands tumbled down, landing with a thud in the suitcase: "Sister Xiaoqing, there's no more room."

The girl before her still carried a hint of youthfulness, but her every gesture bore the steadiness of an adult. When she stood up, Jiang Xu was already half a head taller than her, and she had to look up slightly to meet Jiang Xu's eyes: "Almost done, almost done. Let me just get this in." She pulled her arm free from Jiang Xu's grip and crouched back down, stuffing the bag of White Rabbit candy she'd bought into the suitcase.

Jiang Xu wasn't at risk of getting cavities at her age, and she didn't usually care much for sweets, but Liang Xiaoqing felt that people couldn't stay wound too tight all the time—they needed some give-and-take. Jiang Xu was a senior in high school now, time was growing tighter, and maybe an occasional piece of candy during a rare spare moment would do her good.

Glancing at Jiang Xu's bland expression, when she turned her head, Jiang Xu gave her a nod as if to oblige.

"We can't bring the rest." There was still so much that wouldn't fit, and Liang Xiaoqing felt a pang of regret, but time really wouldn't allow her to dawdle any longer.

She zipped up the suitcase and finally headed out the door with Jiang Xu.

It had been getting colder these past few days, and before leaving, Liang Xiaoqing made Jiang Xu put on an extra padded jacket over her clothes before they set off.

Fortunately, the sun made it warmer today. Yang Man, who'd heard the commotion, opened her door just as Liang Xiaoqing did, and greeted them warmly: "Xiaoqing, sending Jiang Xu off to the station again?"

"Mm," Liang Xiaoqing answered.

Jiang Xu politely greeted Yang Man: "Hello, Teacher Yang."

Yang Man's eyes were full of approval: "Good. The college entrance exam's coming up soon, isn't it? Once you get through that, you'll be able to relax."

Jiang Xu nodded, saying nothing.

Liang Xiaoqing smiled and said, "Sister Yang, we'll be off now."

"Alright."

After they'd passed, Yang Man studied the back of Jiang Xu's figure.

That child Jiang Xu had grown more and more beautiful over the years. In the time Yang Man had been observing, she'd concluded that Jiang Xu was a good child who knew gratitude and would repay kindness. She hoped Jiang Xu would succeed in her studies and one day repay Liang Xiaoqing. Liang Xiaoqing, as she was now, always had things to worry about.

The sun gradually tilted westward. They caught the regular bus at the village entrance to go to town, which took about forty minutes. The bus was packed with people, and Liang Xiaoqing guided Jiang Xu protectively, like a hen with her chick, to find two empty seats—putting Jiang Xu by the window while she sat on the aisle.

"Sit." Liang Xiaoqing pulled Jiang Xu inside and made her sit down. "You didn't get a nap at noon, so close your eyes for a bit. I'll call you when we get there."

Jiang Xu wasn't really sleepy, but since Liang Xiaoqing said so, closing her eyes to rest for a while wasn't a bad idea.

The bus driver only started the engine once every seat was filled. The whole busload of people was a noisy sea, the air thick with a mix of smells. The one who felt worst of all was Liang Xiaoqing—she got carsick easily, and the bumpy ride left her swaying unsteadily. She simply closed her eyes to doze off; she must have been tired, because once her eyes were shut, she actually did drift off.

Jiang Xu sat by the window, silently enduring the noisy surroundings. She turned her head to look outside; the bus had already started moving, and the trees and hills slid unhurriedly backward. The window had a tinted film, casting dim shadows, with the film's edges curling at the corners, irregularly shaped, as if a piece had been torn off. In that tiny, faint shadow, the trees and hills lost their true colors, but the reflection of Liang Xiaoqing was perfectly visible.

A faint silhouette.

There was still a stretch to go before town, and Liang Xiaoqing usually escorted her all the way to the station, then reminded her to study hard, eat well, and especially not to put too much pressure on herself.

Liang Xiaoqing seemed sleepier than her, leaning back against the seat with her eyes closed. Jiang Xu kept quietly watching the shadow of Liang Xiaoqing reflected on the window. Before long, the road grew rough, and the bus swayed from side to side. It was cold out, but with so many people packed together, the bus was warmer inside. Jiang Xu cracked the window open a little, letting in a gust of chilly air. It wasn't pleasant, but it helped alleviate the stuffiness.

Jiang Xu tilted her head and leaned against the seat back. Even though Liang Xiaoqing was asleep, she didn't look at her, because she knew Liang Xiaoqing could sense her presence—that she wasn't asleep, but silently enduring the stuffy air in the bus.

The bus gradually steadied. The reflection on the window slowly disappeared. Jiang Xu checked her watch—almost an hour had passed, and they were nearly there. She felt reluctant to part. It was almost a natural emotion; even strangers who shared a roof for years would develop a special bond, let alone her feelings for Liang Xiaoqing.

Her feelings for Liang Xiaoqing had grown deeper and deeper, without her even realizing it, and by the time she did, she no longer dared to show even a hint of it. She just wished the time apart would pass more slowly, so they could stay together a little longer.

She didn't know what Liang Xiaoqing thought, but this was what she thought.

She still hadn't given up hope, and she even felt a little ashamed of herself for it.

Her back was growing warm from stuffiness, and the air didn't smell great. The noise around had died down, replaced by the occasional sound of someone snoring, accompanied by the rumble of the bus engine. Some people had fallen asleep.

Jiang Xu had been sitting still without moving all this while, and she too began to feel drowsy.

A weight landed on her shoulder.

It startled her right out of her drowsiness.

She opened her eyes and looked toward the side where the weight was. She found Liang Xiaoqing leaning against her shoulder, her soft breaths falling on the padded jacket. So Sister Xiaoqing really had been sleepy. She thought this, and the more she did, the less sleepy she felt. Carefully, she shifted a little toward Liang Xiaoqing, making her more comfortable.

A smile curved at the corners of her lips. She also wanted to block the sun for her, so she leaned her body toward that side, letting her shadow fall on Liang Xiaoqing, shielding her from some of the sunlight. A sweet feeling welled up in Jiang Xu's heart without her noticing.

Since that time, Liang Xiaoqing had rarely been this close to her, and she could no longer make requests that seemed ordinary on the surface but were all secretly driven by her own ulterior motives.

She couldn't be too pushy. That Liang Xiaoqing was still willing to take her in was already the greatest fortune she could ask for.

That night, Liang Xiaoqing had braved the heavy rain to come looking for her and had caught a cold as a result. Jiang Xu had spent time caring for her, and afterward, neither of them had mentioned that incident again.

At the time, Jiang Xu had still been caught up in some fantasy, harboring a tiny sliver of hope. She'd broken the silence, not knowing whether she was too precocious or if there was some other reason, always hoping that after Liang Xiaoqing had rejected her so deeply, she might look back at her someday. At first, she'd held onto that hope, but it had grown more and more despairing. Later, she realized it had all been wishful thinking on her part.

Liang Xiaoqing was willing to care for her out of sympathy, out of responsibility, out of the feelings built over years of living together, because Liang Xiaoqing was a good person.

But that didn't mean Jiang Xu naively believed she could get what she wanted. It was like an arm never being able to outmuscle a thigh—in this relationship, she wasn't the one who got to make decisions. Compared to Liang Xiaoqing, the gap wasn't just in age, but in other things too. These were things she could never make up for, and when she realized that, she saw how ridiculous she was.

Acknowledging her feelings too early was a torment in itself. Perhaps because Jiang Xu had never experienced such feelings before, she found it especially hard to cut ties and move on.

She compromised by accepting the way Liang Xiaoqing treated her, accepted Liang Xiaoqing's deliberate distance, compromised by going to the county high school, studying like crazy, coming back every weekend, and now every two weeks. She always reminded herself that this place wasn't really her home, that someday she'd have a home of her own. But whenever she missed Liang Xiaoqing, she desperately wanted to come back here.

This was her home too.

Then she'd suppress those feelings with all her might, forcing herself to act more normal. Only then would Liang Xiaoqing let her guard down a little.

It was a sour, repetitive, painful feeling, and only by throwing herself endlessly into her studies could she temporarily forget that emotion.

Jiang Xu reminded herself again and again, told herself not to cross the line, but Liang Xiaoqing's unconscious gestures made her heart leap with joy all over again. She really wished this bus ride could last a little longer—at least let her sleep for a while.

Suddenly, the bus slammed on its brakes.

The passengers around them all woke up, their bodies lurching forward uncontrollably. Everyone roused, exchanging pleasantries: "We're here, we're here." Amid the chatter, they jostled one another off the bus.

Liang Xiaoqing also woke up from the sudden stop. Her sleep interrupted, she opened her eyes with a dazed look: "Are we here?"

Jiang Xu leaned forward to steady her.

"We're here."

The overly close distance was quietly drawn back. Jiang Xu held her arm, and Liang Xiaoqing patted her hand, pulling free: "Then let's go."

With that, she stood up and said jokingly, "I said I'd call you, but I ended up falling asleep first."

The bus was probably short on oxygen, leaving her head feeling fuzzy; or maybe she'd just woken up, and her mind wasn't clear yet. She made small talk with Jiang Xu, not noticing the forbearing, lonely look in Jiang Xu's eyes—or perhaps she did notice, and simply chose to act as if she hadn't.

"It's fine, Sister Xiaoqing. I wasn't sleepy anyway."

Stepping off the bus, a gust of cold air rushed at them, making Liang Xiaoqing shudder. The bus had been warm. The surroundings were noticeably brighter, and Liang Xiaoqing's mind gradually cleared. She said "Mm" in acknowledgment, and the crowd that had piled out was already dispersing, grabbing their luggage and heading off. Some, like Jiang Xu and Liang Xiaoqing, were headed to the station, which was two streets away.

The warmth of the sun wasn't enough to beat back the chill of the air. Liang Xiaoqing couldn't help shivering again. Jiang Xu pulled the suitcase along, and she moved closer to her: "Cold?"

Jiang Xu said, "Not really."

Her breath puffed out into white mist as she spoke, drifting slowly upward. Liang Xiaoqing looked at Jiang Xu's somewhat blurry face, noticing the tip of her nose had turned slightly red, and the area under her eyes was reddened too. When the mist cleared, she saw Jiang Xu looking back at her, her pupils reflecting her image, unfathomably deep. People came and went all around them, but no one paid them any mind.

Liang Xiaoqing froze for a moment, realizing that Jiang Xu's looks had changed. Yang Man was always chattering in her ear, saying Jiang Xu had grown prettier. She'd never really noticed before; the girl had just grown up right under her nose, watched and watched until she was tall. Her brows and eyes were like a painting, her features exquisite—the more you looked, the more beautiful details you found, and then you'd find yourself taking in the whole face anew.

She'd grown up, yes, but you could still tell it was a little girl's face. At the same time, it proved that she herself was aging day by day. Liang Xiaoqing suddenly felt a bit dazed. She was thirty now, and she'd raised Jiang Xu to this size. She'd once thought it was almost an impossible task, but things that seemed complicated and difficult often just required persistence to yield good results.

Just like Jiang Xu standing before her now, safe and sound.

She felt gratified, and deeply moved too, but there was also a sense of shame in front of Jiang Xu. There was always an inexplicable undercurrent in the air between them, and Liang Xiaoqing instinctively felt uneasy, so she could only keep dodging and avoiding until there was nowhere left to evade.

She seemed to see in Jiang Xu's eyes that she was no longer young, that the crow's feet at the corners of her eyes were multiplying, that her skin was no longer as firm and full as it had been in her youth. She found herself inexplicably bothered by her own appearance. She averted her gaze, fixing it on the bobbing heads ahead, and gradually her heart calmed again. She couldn't help feeling a little ridiculous.

"You say you're not cold, but your nose is all red." As she spoke, her breath came out in white puffs. She took off the scarf from around her neck. "It's getting cold these days. Remember to put on or take off clothes as needed." She rose onto her tiptoes slightly and wrapped the scarf around Jiang Xu's neck. Jiang Xu's eyes flickered, and she obediently lowered her head. Liang Xiaoqing gave it another loop, bundling her neck up snugly.

If there was any such thing in this world as everlasting affection, it was this faint, lingering concern that Liang Xiaoqing believed in.

She tied the scarf into a knot, then smoothed out the tail: "Let's go. We'll grab a bite first, then head to the station." That was their usual routine—take the noon bus to town, eat a meal, then amble over to the station, timing it just right. If Jiang Xu wanted to spend more time with Liang Xiaoqing, then Liang Xiaoqing probably felt the same way.

Jiang Xu nodded in agreement. Liang Xiaoqing smiled: "Why aren't you saying anything? Is your stomach growling?" "No."

Liang Xiaoqing dropped her joking tone, though she felt a little disappointed inside. She'd always regretted that one thing she'd done; it was because she hadn't thought it through that she and Jiang Xu had grown so distant—or rather, that something had come between them. Liang Xiaoqing could no longer feel, as she once had, what it was like to be wholly relied upon, or what it felt like to have someone place all their expectations on you.

Of course, it was a good thing that things had turned out this way. She no longer had to worry about whether her actions overstepped their bounds. Jiang Xu was stronger and more able to bear things than Liang Xiaoqing had imagined. When she mentioned Jiang Xu, Liang Xiaoqing could be happy and proud, but definitely nothing else. Liang Xiaoqing had always held to a certain bottom line, yet without realizing it, she'd pushed Jiang Xu further away. She'd tried to imagine Jiang Xu's awkwardness and resentment toward her.

But if it made Jiang Xu understand what she was supposed to do, Liang Xiaoqing felt her persistence was justified, and she could even picture the bright future ahead of Jiang Xu.

The afternoon was a little warmer than the morning, and more people had gathered here. Afraid of losing Jiang Xu in the crowd, she'd glance back from time to time to make sure Jiang Xu was still by her side, while also looking out for her. Especially in crowded places, you never knew who might be a thief looking to snatch things.

Every time she looked back, Jiang Xu was there and would meet her gaze. Jiang Xu's eyes were bright, her pupils deep. It seemed like she'd been staring at Liang Xiaoqing all along, but when Liang Xiaoqing looked closely, she couldn't see any particular attention in Jiang Xu's eyes. Liang Xiaoqing reminded her: "Stay close."

The words had barely left her mouth when she felt her hem being tugged. She turned to look and saw Jiang Xu pressed up close, lightly holding onto her clothes with her hand. She couldn't quite explain what she felt, but she certainly wasn't going to refuse it, and warmth filled her heart.

Liang Xiaoqing seemed to grow muddled again, her heart full of tender affection. She felt like Jiang Xu had returned to her childhood state. She kept thinking about how pitiful Jiang Xu had been as a child, and couldn't understand why she'd turned out like this after growing up.

Jiang Xu was looking at her, her eyes bright and clear as water. She often sensed a gaze following her, landing on her, carrying a faint warmth. She'd brush past it, pretending not to notice. Sometimes she really didn't know which Jiang Xu was the real Jiang Xu, because such a clear, innocent gaze couldn't come from the girl behind her.

She'd raise her heart, then lower it again, telling herself she was borrowing trouble. She took Jiang Xu's hand and led her to the noodle shop they always went to. The owner recognized them by now, and every time they came, he'd smile and say, "Here for noodles again?"

Liang Xiaoqing smiled back.

The small noodle shop was as busy as ever, but since it was afternoon, it wasn't as crowded as during meal times.

Liang Xiaoqing found a corner spot and waited for the noodles with Jiang Xu. They sat facing each other. Jiang Xu looked at her, and Liang Xiaoqing smiled back: "Almost there."

Jiang Xu wasn't actually that eager to eat the noodles.

When the noodles arrived, they ate them piping hot, and the warmth spread through her whole body. Jiang Xu's nose wasn't as red as before.

Liang Xiaoqing finished first; Jiang Xu was still eating. She told Jiang Xu not to rush, to take her time—there was plenty of time.

After they finished the noodles, Liang Xiaoqing took Jiang Xu around a few of the livelier streets in town and bought her some daily necessities. Jiang Xu kept saying she didn't need them—she still had things left over, and there were some in her suitcase too—so she shouldn't waste the money. Liang Xiaoqing wouldn't listen. Whenever she saw something that suited Jiang Xu, she wanted to buy it for her.

By the time they reached the station, Jiang Xu was carrying another big bag of stuff. They'd timed it just right. Liang Xiaoqing always saw her off this far, helping Jiang Xu stow her luggage and watching her board the bus. Jiang Xu would usually pick a seat by the window, and once she was settled, she'd roll down the window and see Liang Xiaoqing still waiting below, watching the bus start.

There were others seeing off students too, though none of them looked as young as Liang Xiaoqing. Those people were all clamoring to hand things through the windows to their kids.

"Take this. The ride's a few hours—have it on the way."

"..."

The cold wind stung her face, forcing Liang Xiaoqing to squint slightly and brush the wind-tangled hair from her face. Jiang Xu was quietly reserved, not one to show much emotion.

The two looked at each other. Jiang Xu pressed her lips together and gave a faint smile, waving to Liang Xiaoqing in the wind.

Perhaps it was because the days apart left too much longing in their wake that Jiang Xu had to go through that torment all over again. Her eyes reddened, and she forced her voice louder, so Liang Xiaoqing could hear her over the noise: "Sister Xiaoqing, goodbye."

The bus engine rumbled as it started to move. Liang Xiaoqing saw Jiang Xu's reddened eyes, and her nose inexplicably tingled with sourness. Her heart stirred, and in the final moment before the bus left, she scrambled aboard as well.