Shattered Glass: Xiaoqing, I'm Back

After the college entrance exam ended, Jiang Xu hadn't rested two days before she started thinking about earning some money on her own, hoping to cover her tuition and living expenses for her first semester. She wasn't in a hurry to go home; instead, she stayed at Chen Jing's place for two days while moving out of the dorms. She didn't want to impose on Chen Jing for too long, especially since Chen Jing planned to get her driver's license that summer. Jiang Xu didn't want to go home either, so she rented a room in the county seat—an old house recommended by Chen Jing's parents through an acquaintance.

The landlord, out of consideration for Chen Jing's parents, gave her a discount of a hundred yuan off the rent. Since she wouldn't be staying long, the rent was higher than if she'd rented the whole place, and she had to put down a two-month deposit. The money she had was from the living expenses Liang Xiaoqing had given her during high school, which had been fairly generous. Jiang Xu didn't spend much, and over the three years of high school, she'd saved up a few thousand yuan. After paying the rent, she had little left. She found a job as a waitress in the county, earning a day's pay per day worked.

The restaurant was busier in the evenings, so Jiang Xu worked from 5 PM to 9 PM, with one meal provided.

She made thirty yuan a day; during the day, she did other odd jobs, barely scraping together a total of a hundred yuan per day. Liang Xiaoqing had called her, telling her to come back, saying she didn't need to work so hard and not to worry about money. Liang Xiaoqing said, "I supported you through middle and high school; why wouldn't I support you through college? My salary recently went up a bit."

Even if someone supported you through school for years with no blood relation, you couldn't just take it for granted. On one hand, Jiang Xu didn't want Liang Xiaoqing to sacrifice so much for her anymore; on the other hand, because of the age gap, she desperately wanted to prove something—at least that she wasn't someone who had to rely entirely on Liang Xiaoqing. She had the ability to earn money and could gradually become independent.

Only then, she felt, could she stand on the same level as Liang Xiaoqing.

Liang Xiaoqing tried to persuade her over the phone, which Jiang Xu answered from a public phone booth. In the scorching summer heat, she was drenched in sweat, her thin short-sleeved shirt sticking to her back with patches of dampness.

"I'm not at ease about you being alone in the county town. And you rented a place on your own—why didn't you discuss it with me first? And where did you get the money for the rent?"

Liang Xiaoqing's voice on the other end sounded displeased. Jiang Xu listened quietly, waiting for her to finish, then wiped the sweat from her forehead with her hand. "Jingjing will look after me here. Xiaoqing, don't worry—I'll take care of myself."

Liang Xiaoqing eventually gave in, asking Jiang Xu to call her every day to let her know she was okay. Hearing that, Jiang Xu was happy; she said yes, and after hanging up, she threw herself into work even harder. But only later did Liang Xiaoqing realize that Jiang Xu didn't have a phone—how could she call every day? Even using a payphone cost money.

So, Liang Xiaoqing decided to buy Jiang Xu a phone.

Jiang Xu did as she promised, calling her every day. Sometimes Liang Xiaoqing couldn't find anything to say, and Jiang Xu would talk about her work experiences. Perhaps she was too worried, still treating Jiang Xu like a child. In reality, Jiang Xu was quite independent on her own. Gradually, Liang Xiaoqing's concerns eased.

On the day exam results came out, at noon, Jiang Xu had just finished her part-time job and was walking along the road, waves of heat washing over her. The middle school entrance exams were also over, and she saw groups of students out enjoying themselves—some girls, some boys, walking together in big groups. Everyone held iced bubble tea to beat the heat, chatting and laughing as they strolled, as if without a care in the world.

She was tired and hadn't eaten lunch yet. She'd planned to cook when she got home, but she lay down on the bed for a moment and fell asleep.

She didn't wake up on her own—she was roused by a series of clattering sounds. Opening her eyes, she found a thin blanket over her and an electric fan whirring beside her, creaking like it was even more battered than the one at home. She threw off the blanket and sat up, wondering when she'd turned on the fan. She didn't feel particularly hot—not that she wasn't hot, but she could tolerate heat well.

If it got unbearable, she'd come back and gulp down a big glass of cold boiled water, and that would help. As for not using the fan, she was trying to save a little money on the electricity bill. She didn't consider herself to be suffering; it was just that life had been too good lately.

The noises continued. The place wasn't big—just a small room with a partition in the middle, making a separate bedroom. The room was pitifully tiny, barely fitting a single bed. Jiang Xu tiptoed out of the bedroom and immediately saw someone in the kitchen. Why was this place good, thanks to Chen Jing's parents' connections? Because it had a kitchen where she could cook whatever she wanted. She didn't cook at home much, busy as she was, always feeling there wasn't enough time.

The person in the kitchen was bustling about, and it made her eyes blur. She stood at the doorway for a while, then sat on a smooth, old stool to watch. Fragrant aromas wafted over, almost making her faint. Jiang Xu was still a bit groggy, thinking she must be dreaming, but would a dream be this real? The smell grew richer, and the person came out of the kitchen holding a bowl of porridge.

She set it on the small table in front of Jiang Xu.

"Xiao Xu." Liang Xiaoqing went back into the kitchen and brought out a plate of vegetables, placing it before Jiang Xu. "I just went to the market and couldn't find much, so just eat this for now." She pushed the porridge and vegetables toward her. The porridge was steaming hot, as was the stir-fried greens, vivid green and looking crisp. The rising steam made Jiang Xu's eyes clearer than before.

"Xiaoqing, you came." Startled, she couldn't quite believe it.

She couldn't help but overthink, thoughts flowing like an unending stream: Did she come for me? Why did she come? Because she missed me? She missed her too... Jiang Xu ate the porridge, thinking all this, but wouldn't look at Liang Xiaoqing, because these thoughts made her feel oddly light, her whole body buoyant.

She couldn't help stealing a glance at Liang Xiaoqing. She wore a beige long dress that flattered her figure; the fabric wasn't gauze, though Jiang Xu couldn't tell much about it. The collar was a lapel style, revealing her fair neck and delicate collarbones. Her hair was tied up in a bun. Maybe it was too hot, but her collar was slightly damp, standing out prominently. Jiang Xu put down her bowl, went into the cramped bedroom to get the fan, and set it up to blow on them. Then she went back to eating.

When the fan rotated toward them, Liang Xiaoqing's hair stirred gently, and her collar lifted with the breeze. Jiang Xu looked at Liang Xiaoqing's face and sensed she wasn't happy. She tried to make conversation: "Xiaoqing, are you still hot?"

"I'm fine." Liang Xiaoqing tugged at her collar.

Jiang Xu finished all the food in one go—she hadn't eaten this satisfyingly in a long time.

"Oh." She wiped her mouth with a tissue. "So, Xiaoqing, how did you know where I was?"

"I asked Chen Jing."

"..." Jiang Xu nodded, picked up her bowl, and went to the kitchen to wash it. Liang Xiaoqing followed.

The old-style faucet released a strong stream of water, splashing everywhere. Jiang Xu didn't mind; in the heat, even the water from the tap had turned warm. Drops splashed onto her face and eyelashes, and she squinted. Then she realized Liang Xiaoqing had come up beside her.

She noticed Liang Xiaoqing's gaze on her, but she could sense Liang Xiaoqing wasn't in a good mood. Whenever that happened, she wisely busied herself with her own tasks. What was certain was that those earlier thoughts had been her own wishful thinking. She felt a trace of self-mockery, and more than that, she felt she wasn't as brave as she used to be.

Liang Xiaoqing, seeing her downcast look, felt her anger ease a bit. She was angry, and she knew Jiang Xu knew it. She was angry because Jiang Xu had silently put up with living in such a shabby place, angry at her quiet endurance. In the end, she was angriest at herself. Seeing with her own eyes how Jiang Xu lived, she felt she shouldn't have given in. She was only just eighteen, and yet so mature.

She didn't want Jiang Xu to be like this, and felt it was ultimately her fault. Liang Xiaoqing felt a natural, instinctive tenderness and pity for Jiang Xu—just as Jiang Tang had once felt for her. Jiang Tang had wanted her to live well, to thrive, and had always felt she owed her.

Something in feelings is universal. Liang Xiaoqing asked, "Did you eat breakfast?"

Jiang Xu answered, "Yes."

She added, "Do you know why I came today?"

Jiang Xu shook her head.

"Today is when the exam results come out. I came to check your scores with you."

Jiang Xu paused. If not for this reminder, she'd have felt that student life was far behind her.

She nodded.

But then she remembered Chen Jing saying that exam results had to be looked up on a computer.

And so, Liang Xiaoqing followed Jiang Xu to an internet cafe. The cafe was noisy, but the air conditioning was strong. The clatter of keyboards was relentless, with the occasional swear word thrown in. Though cool, the air was stifling, and Jiang Xu instinctively felt a dislike for the place, wanting to drag Liang Xiaoqing out. But Liang Xiaoqing insisted on checking the results there.

Not wanting to seem unreasonable, Jiang Xu stayed alert. The owner showed them to the innermost seats, telling them they could use that computer to check their scores. Away from the people in front, it was a bit quieter. Jiang Xu had never used a computer, so Liang Xiaoqing handled typing in the URL and logging in.

Just as Liang Xiaoqing was about to click the query button, Jiang Xu's heart clenched. She grabbed Liang Xiaoqing's hand, tense all over.

Cold air kept pouring down—maybe the air conditioning was too cold, chilling to the bone. The man in front was playing a game and had bought a takeout box of rice, half-eaten; a greasy, acidic smell hung in the air. Though Jiang Xu was confident in her scores, when it came time to actually check, she couldn't help but be nervous. She hesitated, staring hard at the screen until her eyes blurred.

But Liang Xiaoqing took her hand and leaned closer. "It's okay." Her hand covered Jiang Xu's, and as she moved the mouse, the warmth of her touch seeped into Jiang Xu. Liang Xiaoqing had a faint, pleasant scent—one Jiang Xu was already used to. Her hand was led by Liang Xiaoqing's, and with a click, a new page appeared on the screen. Jiang Xu closed her eyes.

Liang Xiaoqing gasped, "620! Xiao Xu, you got 620!" She was overjoyed, her voice loud enough to almost attract the attention of the people in front.

Jiang Xu slowly opened her eyes and saw the score on the screen.

Liang Xiaoqing, swept up in the sudden happiness, hugged Jiang Xu tightly. "Xiao Xu, you're amazing!" In a moment of impulse, she kissed Jiang Xu's forehead, her eyes sparkling. "Xiao Xu, you really didn't disappoint me!"

Jiang Xu's forehead still felt the damp touch. She was stunned for a long moment, watching Liang Xiaoqing nearly dance with joy. Her heart still pounding from that fleeting kiss, her gaze unconsciously drifted to Liang Xiaoqing's lips, moving as she spoke. Those full lips against her forehead had been so soft. Jiang Xu didn't know how to describe it, but it was something she'd never felt before. It made her happy, and she raised the corners of her mouth slightly.

Her ears turned a bit red. When Liang Xiaoqing laughed, she laughed with her. This was the happiest she'd been in a long while.

"Come on, let's celebrate." Liang Xiaoqing, still not composed, pulled Jiang Xu by the hand toward the door. Jiang Xu said, "Xiaoqing, did you forget? I just ate."

"Who said anything about eating? I'm taking you out for a bit."

There was no longer any sensation on Jiang Xu's forehead, but she still felt as if some kind of mark had been left there. She looked at Liang Xiaoqing's back, holding her hand. After stepping out of the internet cafe, the heat rushed at them, sobering her slightly. "Xiaoqing, I still have to go to work later."

Liang Xiaoqing paused, still in high spirits. "Forget it, Xiao Xu, don't go. Just leave the pay. Look at you—working like that, you don't even eat properly. If I weren't by your side, you couldn't take care of yourself. This summer, let me take you on a trip. What do you say?"

Jiang Xu wanted to go. As long as she was with Liang Xiaoqing, she felt content anywhere. But not now. She had a plan in mind, a plan involving money. She couldn't keep letting Liang Xiaoqing give for her. She was grown up now, and there were things she had to face on her own. Jiang Xu's experiences hadn't done her no good; learning to be mature was something everyone went through, some slower, some sooner.

"Xiaoqing, I need to work. I don't want to keep using your money."

Liang Xiaoqing felt a jolt in her heart.

Even after Jiang Xu went to college, Liang Xiaoqing couldn't help but mind those words.

It wasn't that she minded spending money on Jiang Xu—it was that she felt they were growing apart as time went on. She felt it would become a burden on Jiang Xu. When Jiang Xu chose her school, she picked a modest one in C City, which was farther and bigger than the county seat. When Liang Xiaoqing accompanied Jiang Xu to the campus at the end of summer, she felt as if she'd been thrown back into her own college days.

That day was scorching hot. Jiang Xu wore the cap Liang Xiaoqing had bought her, the brim pulled low. Because the sun was too harsh, she squinted, and she kept looking back as she walked away, and Liang Xiaoqing stood in place, waving. Every time Jiang Xu turned around, she would wave back.

It was no different from when Jiang Xu was in high school, but Liang Xiaoqing felt that Jiang Xu was drifting further away. Jiang Xu's words stayed with her—Jiang Xu didn't want to use her money anymore, didn't want to stay under her wing.

Everything was fate—Liang Xiaoqing had met Jiang Xu, helped her, and watched her grow up. By around the first semester of Jiang Xu's freshman year, Liang Xiaoqing had come to terms with it.

Sometimes she felt lonely; sometimes she wanted someone to keep her company. When it became unbearable, she would go to Jiang Tang's grave and talk, and once she started, she couldn't stop. Unconsciously, the topic would shift to Jiang Xu, telling Jiang Tang about Jiang Xu's past, present, and future.

Afterward, she felt empty inside.

And so she would leave the graveyard, feeling dejected.

Liang Xiaoqing felt a strange sense of loss and gain. She'd bought Jiang Xu a phone, and Jiang Xu had accepted it. Jiang Xu's number was saved in her phone, and countless times she thought about calling to ask how Jiang Xu was doing.

How's college life? Are the courses heavy? Difficult? Do you need money?

Aside from buying Jiang Xu the phone, after she left for college, she'd never asked Liang Xiaoqing for a cent again.

Jiang Xu called her two or three times a month, never for long. She'd ask how Liang Xiaoqing was doing most of all. What could be wrong with her? She was the one who wanted to ask Jiang Xu, but Jiang Xu would say she had to hang up because classes were busy and time was short.

After hanging up, Liang Xiaoqing would sit on the sofa and let out a sigh.

Yang Man noticed something off about her and would say, every time she visited, that Jiang Xu was an ungrateful child, flying away once her wings were grown. Or she'd nag Liang Xiaoqing to find someone to settle down with, saying this sort of life was no way to live. Of course, Liang Xiaoqing wouldn't admit Yang Man was right—she didn't understand their situation. Toward Jiang Xu, she always felt more guilt than anything, and the more she thought that way, the more she wanted to make up for it.

Before winter came, there was a heavy rain, cold and biting, much colder than usual winters. By evening, snow fell, a thin layer that quickly melted into water. Liang Xiaoqing seemed to have overestimated her health; the rain brought on a cold, but she didn't take it seriously. She thought she could weather it, but by the misty morning of the next day, she couldn't even get out of bed. She dragged herself to teach her students, making sure they got through finals, until she finally collapsed from illness.

When Yang Man called her, her voice was cold from the weather, worriedly asking if something was wrong.

"You didn't tell me earlier that you were sick! I can't get back right now." Yang Man sounded anxious on the other end. "You're alone at home; what are you going to do?"

"I'm fine, Yang. I have medicine at home. It's not like I can't get up at all."

Liang Xiaoqing's voice was hoarse, but she forced herself to sound strong. Yang Man fell silent.

After hanging up, Liang Xiaoqing coughed hard. She lay on the sofa, unable to get up. The cold had come on strong, her head pounding and dizzy. Cold air crept through the room, chilling her to the bone. She thought about moving to the bed, but the sofa was colder, and the cold made her whole body go numb.

She was also thirsty, her lips dry and cracked. She endured it, planning to go to the health clinic when she felt better. Staring up at the yellowed ceiling with peeling paint, she realized how old this apartment had become, as if years had passed. She wondered, with a start, what Jiang Xu was doing.

Jiang Xu had barely called this month. Liang Xiaoqing felt that Jiang Xu was changing; she was deliberately keeping her distance. And since Jiang Xu was studying in C City, she might eventually work there and build a life. Liang Xiaoqing didn't think she was overthinking—she was deeply aware that if you didn't cherish time, time would ruthlessly leave you behind. After college, life felt accelerated.

She didn't know what the future held for Jiang Xu, but it had to be good. No one ever wished ill upon their loved ones...

Counting the days, Jiang Xu should be on break soon, but she didn't know if Jiang Xu would come back. Whether she did or not was Jiang Xu's choice—she was grown up now, and things should be entirely up to her.

Liang Xiaoqing couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. If she thought any more, she might call Jiang Xu. She forced herself to sit up, too thirsty, needing water, but the moment she sat up, a sharp pain exploded in her head, ringing in her ears. She fell back onto the sofa, struggling to breathe, lying there for a long while before she could get up and manage to pour a glass of water. But then—"smash"—the cup slipped from her hand and shattered on the floor, glass scattering everywhere.

Liang Xiaoqing cursed softly in annoyance, but the mess still had to be cleaned up. She slowly bent down, and the next thing she knew, she was losing control and toppling sideways. It was then that she truly felt afraid. She also understood what it was like to be completely alone sometimes—an indescribable feeling.

As she closed her eyes, she thought she might die. Dying from a bad cold would be too ridiculous. But she had to think positively.

There seemed to be a sound in the room, or maybe not. Liang Xiaoqing thought she might be hallucinating. Who would come at this hour? How lonely. She shut her eyes in a panic, but the next moment, she fell into a soft embrace. Fabric rustled with a faint "shh-shh," and something hit the floor with a heavy thud.

Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around the person's elbow, which gave her some support. The room had grown dark as night fell, and without the lights on, she could only make out a blurry silhouette, the face unclear.

The silhouette moved, and Liang Xiaoqing caught a familiar scent. Her head rested against something soft, and the smell grew stronger. The person pulled her up, and then a voice softly murmured by her ear, "Xiaoqing, I'm back."