Recollection: This Feeling Isn't as Fierce as Love

The summer rain came without warning, drumming hard against the windowpanes. Raindrops the size of beans streaked down the cracked glass, leaving fragmented trails in their wake.

As the rain poured down, the trees outside swayed and bent.

Jiang Xu's heated heart was instantly doused, the warmth draining from her body until she felt cold all over. Sister Xiaoqing seemed to be drifting further and further away from her. She didn't understand why, after she had bared her true feelings, Sister Xiaoqing looked as though she wanted to put even more distance between them. Even the warmth of her body seemed to have been taken away.

She watched Liang Xiaoqing's expression grow colder and colder, harsher and harsher, and her own panic swelled.

The only other time she had felt this way was the moment Wang Cai died.

"Xiao..." She tried to call out to Liang Xiaoqing again, but her throat was hoarse, the words wouldn't come.

She knew that Sister Xiaoqing must hate her now, must not like her anymore, perhaps even found her disgusting... Tears spilled from her eyes in a torrent. Hovering on the edge of collapse, she held her breath, trying with all her might not to sob, and forced out a complete sentence: "Sister Xiaoqing, I... I promise you I can get into university even studying at Qing Middle."

Liang Xiaoqing, hidden in the darkness, shifted slightly. "Not all universities are the same."

"..."

Liang Xiaoqing seemed to let out a sigh. "If... if you're not willing to listen to me, then go home."

If she couldn't manage Jiang Xu, then Jiang Xu should leave. The experience of those years had left her with a deep fear, so much so that she still remembered the feeling of being utterly isolated—no one understood her, no one approved of her, everyone scorned her, and even her own parents thought she had brought shame upon the family. She didn't know when Jiang Xu had developed these feelings for her; she had vaguely sensed it and had already been keeping her distance deliberately, but things had reached a point of no return.

Her heart ached dully, heavy with guilt. She had witnessed Jiang Xu grow up; Jiang Xu was a young woman now, and yet she was watching her walk down another path, even to the point of jeopardizing her own future. Perhaps it was youthful rashness, ignorance without fear. She had been like that once too. She felt nothing but guilt—she had raised Jiang Xu astray. If this was the result, then it would be better to let Jiang Xu go home, to separate them.

One should not presume to meddle in another person's life, but to someone who had been through it, some roads were better left untraveled.

Liang Xiaoqing tried to nip Jiang Xu's not-yet-deep feelings in the bud. Her mind raced, constantly reflecting on where she had gone wrong, what she had done incorrectly, or whether there was something about Jiang Xu she had missed or overlooked. She didn't believe Jiang Xu truly loved her; she looked at Jiang Xu almost with the eyes of someone who had been there before. She knew Jiang Xu was still too young—it was she herself who had failed to keep proper boundaries. Like and love carried entirely different weight, and she couldn't guarantee she could love another with her whole heart, holding nothing back. She believed everything she had done was simply what she ought to do; if she had to repay it with Jiang Xu's affection, then she would be utterly shameless.

Moreover, she understood that Jiang Xu didn't yet know what true liking was, what true love meant. If a person was lucky enough to encounter love once in their life, then they were fortunate, and Liang Xiaoqing had been fortunate too. But she wanted Jiang Xu to be even happier in the future. Jiang Xu would come to understand the true meaning of love and what happiness was. She would spread her wings and soar with confidence, not be trapped here, staring at the barrenness before her. So she knew exactly what Jiang Xu was feeling now—Jiang Xu had merely been bewitched by her.

She was not outstanding, not beautiful; she blended into the crowd and was easily forgotten.

Jiang Xu had confused this feeling. Liang Xiaoqing wanted to help Jiang Xu cut her losses before it was too late, to help her figure it out, so that she wouldn't regret it later.

After all, there had once been someone who had advised her the very same way.

Liang Xiaoqing unconsciously drifted into that memory—perhaps the most unforgettable one of her life.

Students often harbor admiration for their teachers. Liang Xiaoqing's school days had actually been dull and ordinary. Every day she shuttled between school and home, learning new knowledge, preparing for the next exam, obeying her parents, being the good child who gave her parents no worry and earned her teachers' praise.

Liang Xiaoqing's parents ran a small business. They were honest, hardworking people who always wore the mask of kind, good-natured souls. On top of that, the market economy was booming in those days; the spring breeze of reform and opening-up had blown inland, and these steady, unassuming folks caught the tail end of the era's train and reaped a small windfall. After years of working away from home and saving up a bit, Liang Xiaoqing's parents returned to their hometown, bought a small shop, and started their own little business.

From relatives' initial skepticism to gradually thriving, their life became comfortable and well-off. Liang Xiaoqing left her rural life behind and was brought to the city to study, transforming from a left-behind child into a child with parents. She moved into the house her parents had purchased with years of savings, where she had her own little room and her own desk to do homework. Liang Xiaoqing felt happy then.

Once life stabilized, Liang Xiaoqing discovered that her parents treated her very well, and she felt their love for the first time in a long while. At that time, she resolved to study hard, get into university, and repay her parents in the future.

Like every teenager, Liang Xiaoqing clearly remembered becoming melancholic and sentimental in high school—a bit later than her peers.

Life always throws unexpected surprises into the routine, and the biggest change was probably the adolescent boy or girl themselves.

She didn't know when she had started to change. She began to pay attention to her subject teacher, eagerly looking forward to every class taught by Teacher Jiang.

Jiang Tang was the high school history teacher. She had a beautiful name, a clean and serene face, a voice as gentle as water, and a figure neither too thin nor too plump—full and soft—and she loved wearing dresses. Perhaps because she taught history, her temperament was warm and composed. When she was gentle, she was like a spring breeze; when she was stern, the whole class wouldn't dare breathe loudly.

Liang Xiaoqing's grades weren't very good back then—upper-middle at best. She had poured all her effort into the high school entrance exam to get into this school with its high university admission rate. The high school workload was heavy, and no matter how hard Liang Xiaoqing studied, she couldn't keep up like she had in middle school. In her sophomore year, Yang Chunhua fell ill and wasn't in good health. Liang Xiaoqing wanted to get better grades to make Yang Chunhua happy. But no matter how she studied or how hard she tried, her grades only landed her in the middle of the class.

As a child, Liang Xiaoqing hadn't been very talkative and had few friends in class. Average grades, average looks, a quiet personality—she had little presence in class. Every day she wished Yang Chunhua would get better. She felt she should grow up and share some of her parents' burdens, but she couldn't do anything else except anxiously manage her studies.

She remembered it was a midterm exam. When the results came out, her grades hadn't risen—they had fallen a few places. Only her history score remained at its usual level. Liang Xiaoqing couldn't help but doubt whether she was cut out for studying. Yang Chunhua's illness was getting worse; she was bedridden, and the shop was left entirely to Liang Zhongde, who was so busy he didn't even have time to drink a sip of water.

Liang Xiaoqing could only watch anxiously from the sidelines. She was already seventeen; in another year, she would be an adult. In those days, not many children went to university—at least among her neighbors' kids, many had already gone out to work as laborers early.

Her only childhood friend, Chen Tian, had stopped studying after middle school and gone to work in another city with her parents. When she came back, Liang Xiaoqing barely recognized her.

She wore a fashionable dress, had a trendy perm, and fresh makeup. She said to Liang Xiaoqing, "It's better to start working early. If I'd known it was this good, I'd have come out to work sooner. I earn my own money and spend it on myself. I can buy whatever I want, and I don't worry my parents..."

Liang Xiaoqing asked about her clothes, her hair, and her makeup. Chen Tian said, "That's how girls in the big city dress, especially in the coastal areas—they're so developed, they have all kinds of food and drink..."

"Xiaoqing, you should come out and see for yourself." Chen Tian had made good money outside and spent lavishly. The first thing she did when she came back was think of her childhood friend, Liang Xiaoqing, and treat her to milk tea—the kind mixed with saccharin. It wasn't cheap, and it was cloyingly sweet. For Liang Xiaoqing, who was still in high school, buying one required careful consideration, but Chen Tian, her same age, bought it without a second thought.

The summer heat was still intense, cicadas chirping noisily, the scorching ground radiating heat upward. Chen Tian invited her out on the weekend. She bought a cup of milk tea and an ice cream for Liang Xiaoqing, and the two walked along the curb, chatting and eating ice cream, alternating between hot and cold.

Chen Tian said, "But studying has its benefits too. Someone like me without a diploma has a hard time finding a job. If you really do go to university, finding a job afterward will be a natural step."

Liang Xiaoqing was sweating on her forehead, her cheeks flushed. She looked worried, but still managed a smile. "Actually, I kind of envy you."

"..."

Meeting Chen Tian stirred something in Liang Xiaoqing. Liang Zhongde worked hard at home, and Yang Chunhua was bedridden. If she went to help, the family would have an easier time. Besides, her grades weren't outstanding, and she wasn't even sure she could get into university. Liang Xiaoqing thought it over for a long time, and in the first semester of her senior year, she decided to drop out. Of course, she didn't dare tell Liang Zhongde. Liang Zhongde was certain she would get into university, always hinting at his hopes without ever mentioning Yang Chunhua's illness.

But when Liang Xiaoqing brought it up, Liang Zhongde said, "I'm here. Why do you need to worry about that?"

During an evening study session, Liang Xiaoqing mustered her courage to go find her homeroom teacher, Jiang Tang. By then, she had roughly understood her own feelings, and only she knew how much sour anguish she had endured. She knew Jiang Tang probably didn't notice her—after all, average students were the easiest to overlook. She concealed her feelings and told Jiang Tang she wanted to drop out. Jiang Tang looked at her in surprise.

Her only advantage was her history grades, which was also her little point of pride in front of Jiang Tang. She thought it would make Jiang Tang notice her, even if not as much as the top students, and that was enough to satisfy her.

That night, Jiang Tang was grading papers, her brows slightly furrowed, looking tired. Liang Xiaoqing nervously told her about her decision. Jiang Tang set down her pen without saying anything, instead asking her to wait nearby and sit in the empty seat beside her. There were few people in the office. Jiang Tang picked up her pen and speeded up grading. Liang Xiaoqing sat there in torment, carefully watching Jiang Tang as she corrected papers.

She felt she had disappointed Jiang Tang, but then comforted herself that Teacher Jiang probably hadn't paid much attention to her anyway. After all, that's how it seemed from her perspective.

She had only sat there a short while when Jiang Tang called her outside.

It was the season of blooming spring, and a gentle breeze blew through the night.

Liang Xiaoqing remembered that Jiang Tang took her to the playground that night. The flowers on the trees by the track had bloomed, haloed by the streetlights, casting soft circles of light. The faint scent of blossoms filled Liang Xiaoqing's nose. She was dressed a little too lightly, yet Jiang Tang had brought her out to the playground.

They walked around the circular track. Liang Xiaoqing didn't understand what Jiang Tang meant by it, so she just followed, walking slightly behind her. Jiang Tang seemed to notice her hesitation, slowed her pace, and fell into step beside her.

The wind blew through Liang Xiaoqing's hair. Jiang Tang wore black low-heeled shoes, a long dress, and a long trench coat over it—a conservative, elegant style.

Liang Xiaoqing was so nervous she didn't dare look at her. Jiang Tang tilted her head slightly to look at her and asked, "Cold?"

Liang Xiaoqing's heart raced, her face burning, and she shook her head.

Jiang Tang smiled at her, said nothing, and looked ahead.

After one lap around the track, Liang Xiaoqing felt warmer. Then she heard Jiang Tang speak: "Liang Xiaoqing, I know your history grades have always been good. While your other subjects aren't top-notch, your overall performance is still decent. Put in a bit more effort, and getting into university won't be a problem."

"...Teacher Jiang..." Liang Xiaoqing was startled. She hadn't expected Jiang Tang to not only remember her clearly but also keep track of her grades. This was clearly not the complete lack of attention Liang Xiaoqing had assumed.

Jiang Tang's voice was even gentler in the night, more pleasing than when she lectured in class.

She said with a smile, "Xiaoqing, can you tell me why?"

Liang Xiaoqing had the strange illusion that Jiang Tang wasn't her teacher, as if they were simply having a chat.

"I know you work hard at your studies. It would be a shame to give up like this."

Jiang Tang patiently coaxed her, closing the distance between them, giving Liang Xiaoqing the feeling that Jiang Tang was someone she could rely on. She had always held a distant admiration for Jiang Tang. Jiang Tang counseled her for a good while. Liang Xiaoqing felt her nose grow sour, and amid her nervousness, she told Jiang Tang about her troubles and worries.

Jiang Tang said, "Xiaoqing, these aren't things you should be worrying about yet. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Getting into university will give you more room to grow. Don't be nervous, don't be anxious. Everything will work out in due time."

Jiang Tang said many encouraging things, and for the first time, Liang Xiaoqing felt close to her. She had been carrying so many bottled-up emotions for so long with no one to confide in; once the dam broke, it all poured out. She spoke of her worries, told Jiang Tang she wasn't cut out for studying, that her efforts bore no fruit, that her exam scores were dropping instead of rising, and that she felt her life was a total mess.

Jiang Tang listened patiently, telling her it wasn't her fault, to keep a positive mindset, and to consolidate what she had learned. She comforted her like a caring older sister. Liang Xiaoqing couldn't help but cry; she was too sensitive and delicate. Jiang Tang patted her shoulder and handed her a tissue.

Jiang Tang said, "Xiaoqing, study hard and you'll have a future."

Later, Liang Zhongde also persuaded her. She dropped the idea of dropping out and began to study with everything she had, throwing herself wholly into her work. That period passed unusually quickly. The countdown on the blackboard shrank day by day; time grew urgent, and she had no room to think about anything else. Chen Tian invited her out again during the New Year, wishing her luck on the college entrance exam and a bright future ahead.

Yang Chunhua gradually recovered, and everything proceeded in an orderly fashion. Before the exam, Jiang Tang spoke individually with each student in the class.

It was the eve of the college entrance exam. The cool evening breeze eased the heat of the ground, which still radiated residual warmth. Jiang Tang told her to prepare well, to give it her all, but also not to be too nervous—just perform normally.

Jiang Tang was already in her mid-thirties, with fine lines beginning to appear at the corners of her eyes. She still loved wearing dresses, though in muted colors. Her skin was fair, her features soft. Liang Xiaoqing sank deeper and deeper, her history grades improving steadily, and Jiang Tang paid more and more attention to her. Whenever Jiang Tang encouraged her, she felt a surge of confidence. Jiang Tang had never married; Liang Xiaoqing had learned through careful probing that she was still single. At first, Liang Xiaoqing was a little surprised, but more often she felt relieved—and a boundless imagination took hold.

She said to Jiang Tang, "Teacher Jiang, I'll give it everything I've got."

After the college entrance exam ended, the class committee organized a dinner. The results hadn't come out yet, but everyone's nerves had been wound so tight for so long, they finally had a chance to relax. Liang Xiaoqing hadn't wanted to go, but when she heard from the class committee that Jiang Tang would be there, she went.

At the dinner, Jiang Tang became their leader. A few of the boys in the class livened up the atmosphere. Jiang Tang wasn't as stern with them as she was in class; she chatted with them like a friend, as if she were a different person. The boys clamored for drinks, and Jiang Tang toasted the students.

She laughed fully and warmly, saying, "Congratulations, all of you, on growing up."

She downed her glass. The students joined in, clinking glasses with one another. Liang Xiaoqing sat next to Jiang Tang. The dinner reached peak clamor, the livelier students taking center stage. After Jiang Tang finished her drink and sat down, she clinked glasses with Liang Xiaoqing. "Xiaoqing, congratulations." The restaurant lights softened Jiang Tang's face, her eyes curving into crescents.

She took a sip, and Liang Xiaoqing took a big gulp.

After the meal, Jiang Tang said she needed to leave first, and the students headed off to a second venue to keep the party going. A few of the quieter girls walked Jiang Tang part of the way, Liang Xiaoqing among them.

Outside, waves of heat wrapped around their skin. Jiang Tang was dressed more casually than usual, looking younger. She smiled and told the students not to see her off any further. Liang Xiaoqing lingered, her heart pounding like never before. Her face burned hotter than the heat radiating around her—perhaps from the alcohol. She followed Jiang Tang for a long stretch of road. Jiang Tang told her she didn't need to walk her any further.

Possessed by some impulse, she grabbed Jiang Tang's hand. The feelings she had suppressed for so long desperately needed an outlet. Her gaze grew ambiguous, her palms sweaty, a sheen of tears in her eyes. Amid the noise of the street, she spoke: "Jiang Tang, can I call you that?"

Jiang Tang pulled her hand back quickly, her smile gone, stepping away: "No."

That was what she said.

Liang Xiaoqing's heart cooled bit by bit. She stood there dazed, watching Jiang Tang's figure grow farther and farther away, until it was just a blurry black spot.

Hot tears fell from her eyes. She could only wipe them away blankly, a dull ache squeezing her heart.

When the results came out, she applied to a teacher's college. After finishing university, she understood that her feelings were not some monstrous flood.

She was assigned to the same school as Jiang Tang and saw her from time to time.

From a distance, Jiang Tang looked no different than when Liang Xiaoqing had been in high school. She deliberately closed the distance, inserting herself into Jiang Tang's life.

The adult world was different from the student world, even in the same environment. She overheard colleagues gossiping about Jiang Tang, saying that at over thirty and still unmarried, something must be wrong with her.

They talked behind her back, saying terrible things. One moment they said she was too proud and looked down on everyone; the next, that she was too old and no one wanted her—men all preferred younger women, so who was she putting on airs for?

And worse things still.

She seemed to understand something, and during that stretch of time, she began to cling to Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang refused at first, sternly and righteously. Then she gave in and admitted she was moved.

No one could remain unmoved by sincere feelings.

Their past connection created an unexpected bond between them, like a fateful, destined affinity.

Despite the age gap, Jiang Tang took care of her and tolerated her temper. She would always hole up at Jiang Tang's place, pestering her to cook something delicious. Jiang Tang was an excellent cook, and it was precisely because of her that Liang Xiaoqing's cooking skills had never improved.

At school, Jiang Tang would also look after her especially.

She was used to calling Jiang Tang "Teacher Jiang," as before, though the meaning had changed.

She was so dizzy with sweetness that she forgot the rules of the mundane world.

Her colleagues noticed something off about them. Jiang Tang was always worried and would remind her. She had fought with Jiang Tang over this several times, accusing her of not taking their relationship seriously, hating that she hadn't been born a few years earlier, because Jiang Tang always had reasons to convince herself.

Their relationship couldn't bear the light. They were discriminated against by their ordinary counterparts. Jiang Tang became, in their mouths, a teacher without shame or integrity.

Rumors began to spread through the school.

Liang Xiaoqing gritted her teeth as their relationship was insulted by so many. She began to confront everyone who held prejudice against Jiang Tang, even deliberately revealing their relationship in front of them. Jiang Tang lived in fear, and in the end, she lost her job.

Liang Xiaoqing didn't understand why things had turned out this way. Their relationship was described as so strange, so disgusting. She had to steel herself for ages just to hold Jiang Tang's hand.

She felt it was unfair and wanted to seek justice for Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang stopped her, saying she was fine.

Liang Xiaoqing felt wronged, felt it wasn't worth it for Jiang Tang.

She said, "We didn't do anything wrong! Why do we have to swallow this?"

Jiang Tang said calmly, "Not everything can be judged by right and wrong."

New to the working world, she suddenly realized how easily people were influenced by their environment, especially if you chose to walk an unconventional path. That night, she stayed at Jiang Tang's place. Jiang Tang taught her how to cook. She didn't look worried at all; she helped devein the shrimp on the side. Liang Xiaoqing worried about what Jiang Tang would do in the future. But Jiang Tang was still as reassuring as she had been back when Liang Xiaoqing was a student.

"Xiaoqing, don't worry about me. Even if I don't have a job for a while, I won't starve. I've saved some money over the years, so don't fret." She spoke as if what had happened was no big deal, as if it were nothing. "I can rest for a while now, then look for a job later. Take it slow; there's always a way out. Do you believe me?"

How could she not believe Jiang Tang? She believed her completely. The tense atmosphere eased, and they were able to enjoy a period of peaceful time together. Days passed as quietly as water, and Jiang Tang said she was content.

She said, "No one is born to accompany another for a lifetime. In the end, there are roads you have to walk alone."

Liang Xiaoqing still frowned. "But there are so many regrets." She squeezed Jiang Tang's hand. Jiang Tang knew what she meant and patted her gently. "A person will always have some regrets in this life."

Jiang Tang later took on odd jobs, work that wasn't as dignified as teaching. Once, as Liang Xiaoqing was walking back to the office between classes, she passed by the corridor and heard students saying, "Is that Teacher Jiang? What did she get fired for?"

"Teacher Jiang taught really well."

"I can't believe she's working as a dishwasher there."

A few girls huddled together and quickly moved on to another topic. But the words stung Liang Xiaoqing's heart.

She didn't know how Jiang Tang would feel if she heard them. She had been an excellent teacher at this school, and she had resigned because of her. Jiang Tang said that only then could Liang Xiaoqing continue teaching here in peace.

Rumors would soon pass.

Jiang Tang wasn't the kind of person to take everything lying down. She was gentle, but she also had her sharp edges.

Liang Xiaoqing suffered because of love, and it tormented her. She thought she was the one who had cost Jiang Tang her job, that she had shamed her. She began to be afraid to go to Jiang Tang's house, afraid to see her.

She really had no face to see her.

After agonizing for a long time, she finally came up with a solution: she would resign too. She thought back to the open, tolerant environment of her university days; she believed there must be a place that could accommodate them. Liang Xiaoqing's thinking was naive back then. She submitted her resignation, and the school leadership asked her to reconsider.

She was set on resigning, on leaving with Jiang Tang to embrace a new life.

She was even a little moved by her own sacrifice, thinking that then she could face Jiang Tang.

She told Jiang Tang of her plan, but Jiang Tang refused to leave, saying she was being ridiculous. She didn't understand what was ridiculous about it. They were just moving somewhere else. Other people managed to live anywhere, so why couldn't they?

Jiang Tang's expression soured during that time. "What about your parents?"

Liang Xiaoqing fell silent, because she truly didn't know what to do.

She didn't know how Yang Chunhua and Liang Zhongde had learned of her intention to resign, but they were firmly against it. At the same time, they seemed to have guessed something about her relationship with Jiang Tang.

Liang Zhongde was furious: "You worked so hard to get into university, landed a proper job, and you're still not satisfied?!"

Liang Xiaoqing kept silent. She didn't want to worry her parents further, nor did she want them to know about her and Jiang Tang.

Liang Zhongde paced the room in a rage: "You have no idea how hard it is to find stable work out there. You're not young anymore. You need to learn to think long-term!"

She retorted, "I won't starve wherever I go."

Liang Zhongde shouted at her, "You're utterly naive! Are you still a child?! So immature!"

Liang Xiaoqing fell silent again.

Yang Chunhua sat nearby, her brows tightly knitted, clearly disapproving as well. She suddenly asked, "Is it because you're going with that Teacher Jiang?"

Liang Xiaoqing answered quickly, "Yes."

Yang Chunhua wore a pained, strained expression and said in a pained voice, "Xiaoqing, you've lost your mind. You've just entered society. Does she have no shame—"

"Mom, I won't let you speak about Teacher Jiang like that!" The obedient child she had always been rarely raised her voice to her parents like that.

Tears glistened in Yang Chunhua's eyes instantly. "If you're really going to run around with someone like Jiang Tang, then I never had a daughter like you."

Liang Xiaoqing stood frozen. She didn't know when Yang Chunhua had discovered the clue about her and Teacher Jiang. Before, she had wanted so badly to broadcast their relationship, and no one had taken it seriously.

She didn't want to hide it from Yang Chunhua, but she also didn't want to fail Jiang Tang. In that instant, she thought of how Jiang Tang would smile at her so gently. But then she thought of Yang Chunhua's illness, and the words just wouldn't come out. Silence had become her habit; she grew more and more accustomed to staying silent before her parents.

Yang Chunhua said, "If you still recognize me as your mother, then end this relationship and get back on the right track as soon as possible."

Liang Xiaoqing said again, "I haven't gone down the wrong path. Teacher Jiang taught me so much. She..."

She is the person I love. The person I've loved from a very early age.

Liang Xiaoqing couldn't say it.

But Yang Chunhua's attitude was unyielding.

Liang Xiaoqing didn't know what to do. Her only outlet for her emotions was Jiang Tang. She cried to Jiang Tang that she didn't know what to do, finally realizing an even graver problem.

She couldn't just leave without a care, and neither could Jiang Tang. This was her home too. She wanted to stay in her hometown more than Liang Xiaoqing had imagined.

Liang Xiaoqing cried almost without stopping, and Jiang Tang comforted her from the side: "There, there. I'm still here, don't worry. For now, you can't resign, or else I'll have to support you, you little crybaby." Jiang Tang pinched her nose, and her heart was filled once more.

She began to understand Jiang Tang's difficulty: making their relationship public was harder than reaching the sky, or perhaps they would never live to see that day.

Liang Xiaoqing learned to suppress herself. She stopped quarreling with Jiang Tang over it and stopped talking about resigning. She also wanted to save up more money to spend on Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang seemed to have changed a little from the person in her memory. She noticed more and more fine lines at the corners of Jiang Tang's eyes. She was like a flower slowly withering, though Jiang Tang wasn't actually that old—just in the prime of her life. At thirty-five or thirty-six, Liang Xiaoqing thought that was when a woman was most mature and radiant. But she couldn't deny that Jiang Tang was slowly aging.

Jiang Tang never once met Liang Xiaoqing's parents. Liang Xiaoqing had met Jiang Tang's parents a few times. They farmed in the countryside, and every time she came back, she would pick a bunch of vegetables for Liang Xiaoqing to bring home. Jiang Tang had brought Liang Xiaoqing back several times, and they had treated her very well.

One day, Jiang Tang suddenly said she wanted to go to Liang Xiaoqing's house to meet her parents. Liang Xiaoqing was in class at the time; she didn't see the text message until after class.

Jiang Tang told her not to worry, saying she would handle everything.

But Liang Xiaoqing rushed home in a panic, afraid her parents would say terrible things to Jiang Tang, afraid Yang Chunhua would be provoked. She imagined her parents shutting the door on Jiang Tang, and Jiang Tang's face falling with sorrow. She ran home like a madwoman, but found no trace of Jiang Tang. There was an exquisite gift bag sitting on the coffee table. A heavy weight lifted from her heart—at least things weren't as bad as she had feared. Jiang Tang had delivered the gift to their home.

She asked in a trembling voice, "Did Teacher Jiang come to our house?"

No one answered. The house was terribly quiet. Yang Chunhua looked at her with red-rimmed eyes. She said, "I'm going back to school; I have two more classes this afternoon." On the way back, she sent Jiang Tang two text messages.

[Have you gone back, Teacher Jiang?]

[I'll come find you tonight.]

There was no reply, but Liang Xiaoqing felt this was a bright beginning. Even if her parents might never accept Teacher Jiang, they would gradually come around.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

A relaxed smile spread across Liang Xiaoqing's face.

She taught two classes in the afternoon and didn't get back to the office until later. Some people in the office were chatting, saying there had been a traffic accident on the main road out of town—someone had been hit and died on the spot.

"Who? How awful."

"A tractor-trailer and an electric bike."

"...I heard the electric bike hit it. The person must not have wanted to live..."

Liang Xiaoqing felt a pang of pity for the person, but only for a moment. She took out her phone and checked her messages, only to find that Jiang Tang still hadn't replied. A little puzzled, she hurried out of the school, and then a call came through on her phone.

"Hello, this is the County Hospital. You're listed as the emergency contact for the owner of this phone. The owner has been in a traffic accident. Please come as soon as possible..." The world spun. Her head went foggy. She pulled the phone away and glanced at the screen—the name saved was "Teacher Jiang." It was as if a heavy hammer had struck her skull, leaving her swaying on her feet. She flagged down a taxi and went to the hospital.

She entered a ward. There were several beds, but only one was occupied. The doctor said, "She suffered severe head trauma. By the time she was brought in, she had already stopped breathing. We did everything we could."

Liang Xiaoqing didn't believe it. Step by step, she walked into the room.

Her feet were as heavy as lead.

All the white things stung her eyes. Still in a daze, she slowly approached and saw the face on the bed with its closed eyes. It was pale, the lips colorless. Apart from the sickly complexion, she looked as peaceful as if she were asleep. She had never really looked at Jiang Tang sleeping before. Most of the time, she was the one who got sleepy first and fell asleep against Jiang Tang. When she woke up, Jiang Tang would look at her tenderly and ask, "Did you sleep well?"

She didn't want to admit it, but that face was Jiang Tang's. She took out her phone and dialed a number. The ringtone on the other end came from the cabinet beside the bed. She suddenly began to tremble violently. She fell to her knees and gripped Jiang Tang's hand, which was cold as ice. It was still summer, yet she couldn't feel any warmth in Jiang Tang's palm.

"...Teacher Jiang... Teacher Jiang..."

Her tears fell like beads from a broken string, her voice shaking.

It all felt like a dream. Liang Xiaoqing wished she could wake up the very next second, to escape that piercing agony.

It was as if a piece of her heart had been gouged out.

Her sobs echoed through the empty ward. She couldn't believe Jiang Tang had left her.

But that was the truth. Jiang Tang was gone forever.

Jiang Tang's funeral was simple. Her parents had to bury their child, and they looked much older than when Liang Xiaoqing had last seen them. The two old people arranged the funeral and hired a geomancer to pick a plot. The matter was so sudden that the whole village came to help. Jiang Tang was buried beside the field where her parents grew crops. A lone grave, and no one could imagine that such a young woman had died like this.

During that time, Liang Xiaoqing always felt it was unreal. Life seemed meaningless, and she grew worse and worse. She took a leave of absence from school and slept and ate, ate and slept. Every week, she would set aside time to go to Jiang Tang's house and hole up there for a day. She didn't dare go to the countryside to visit Jiang Tang's grave. Life had no purpose; she was a walking corpse, numb and senseless.

One day, she fell asleep in Jiang Tang's apartment. When she woke up, it was already completely dark. She had fallen asleep on the sofa. Looking at the empty, dark room, she suddenly started crying. When she realized the cold wetness on her face was tears, she could no longer control them. She wiped her tears, but they kept falling. She cried until she fell asleep again. When she opened her eyes, dawn had broken.

Her parents feared she would waste away completely, and they urged her to go back to work at school quickly. In a daze, she went to work, living each day in a tasteless haze. She had words to say but no one to confide in; she had fights to pick but no one to fight with. Her parents seemed terrified of her state and treated her gingerly every day.

She suffered from insomnia for a while. For no reason, her mind would be wide awake the moment she lay down—strange, bizarre thoughts, and a single night could stretch on impossibly long and agonizing. She would lie with her eyes open until dawn, always hoping that at any moment Jiang Tang would walk back in.

That day, she lay in bed all night again. As the sky barely lightened and the neighbors began to stir, Yang Chunhua, who always rose early, got up, and Liang Zhongde followed. She lay in bed, dizzy, her head throbbing dully. She heard Liang Zhongde cough, and she didn't want to sleep anymore. She got up.

Then she overheard their intermittent conversation.

Yang Chunhua: "What are we going to do about Xiaoqing in this state?"

Liang Zhongde: "We'll do what needs to be done."

Yang Chunhua sighed: "I haven't been able to sleep well these past few days."

Liang Zhongde said, "We've done all we can for her."

Yang Chunhua: "..."

A long silence.

Liang Xiaoqing suddenly remembered that Jiang Tang had said she was going to come to her house to meet her parents.

Things had spiraled far beyond control. Under Liang Xiaoqing's relentless questioning, Yang Chunhua revealed what had happened.

Yang Chunhua said, "Xiaoqing, we only have you as our daughter. We didn't want to see you go down the wrong path. If it's a pit of fire, how could we watch you jump in? We always want you to have a good future. You're still so young—have you thought about how much gossip lies ahead? We're your parents, but we can't protect you forever. Can Jiang Tang protect you forever? The way you are now, it breaks our hearts."

Yang Chunhua said that Jiang Tang had knelt to her that day, but Yang Chunhua had begged Jiang Tang to break things off with Liang Xiaoqing, saying they weren't suited for each other.

Liang Xiaoqing had never lost her temper at her parents like this, not even during her school days. She argued with Yang Chunhua until both of them were red in the face, her neck stiff as she said, "She can."

She finally understood why there had been a car accident that day. Jiang Tang, a person so meticulous in everything she did, could not have had an accident. She trembled with rage and accused Yang Chunhua: "It was you! You killed her!"

Yang Chunhua's face went white. She collapsed onto the sofa, clutching her chest.

Liang Zhongde cursed her as an ungrateful wretch!

Liang Xiaoqing endured her discomfort and went to teach. Fortunately, she had few classes that day. In the afternoon, she went to Jiang Tang's hometown. Jiang Tang had a bankbook containing all her savings over the years. She had bought a small seventy-square-meter apartment in the city, spending most of her money, and a few tens of thousands remained in the book. Jiang Tang had said the password was Liang Xiaoqing's birthday, and even without teaching, she could save enough for her retirement.

Back then, none of the difficulties had been resolved, but Jiang Tang had told her that, and she had said she too would save up to take care of Jiang Tang in old age. Jiang Tang's eyes were full of infinite tenderness, and she smiled and said okay. She gently ruffled her hair and rested her head on Liang Xiaoqing's shoulder: "Just stay by my side."

Every month, Liang Xiaoqing split her salary into three parts: a little for her parents, a portion saved into the bankbook, and a portion for herself.

Her money and Jiang Tang's were all in that bankbook.

When she went back, Jiang Tang's parents were having dinner. They saw her and said they would cook her a bowl of noodles. Liang Xiaoqing declined, saying she had come to bring them something.

The password on the bankbook had been changed by her to Jiang Tang's, and with her deposits, it held fifty or sixty thousand yuan. She handed the bankbook to Jiang Tang's parents. Jiang Tang's mother took it with tears in her eyes. Her eyes had grown cloudy with age, but if you looked closely, they were very much like Jiang Tang's.

Jiang Tang's parents sank into an immense sorrow.

"Thank you for staying with our daughter for so long."

Only then did Liang Xiaoqing understand that Jiang Tang's parents had known everything all along.

Jiang Tang understood that what she wanted most was an open, legitimate relationship, so she had done her utmost to gain the understanding of her own parents and of Liang Xiaoqing's.

Liang Xiaoqing was consumed by regret—regret at how excessive she had been in the past.

Knowing it wasn't possible, still she had insisted.

If she hadn't been so stubborn, would Jiang Tang not have died in that accident?

She couldn't stop crying. She ran to Jiang Tang's grave.

The stars seemed to fall from the sky. Liang Xiaoqing cried, saying she was wrong, that she shouldn't have been so demanding; in the end, she had been the one who brought Jiang Tang to this.

Exhausted to the bone, she fell asleep by the grave. She hadn't slept well in days. She cried until she was tired and drifted off in a daze.

After that incident, a rift formed between her and her parents. She didn't know how to face them, nor how to face herself. So she could only run away.

It was the hottest time of summer. The rain poured down out of nowhere. She carried her luggage and headed out. Yang Chunhua asked where she was going. She wanted to move into Jiang Tang's apartment. Jiang Tang's parents didn't want to come live in the city, so the place was left empty.

That night, she had a violent quarrel with her parents. Yang Chunhua nearly fainted from distress, and Liang Zhongde was so angry he disowned her.

Liang Xiaoqing left anyway, without looking back.

Boom—

A clap of thunder jolted Liang Xiaoqing back to the present. The memories buried deep in her heart had surfaced because of Jiang Xu. The Jiang Xu before her now was just like her younger self—immature, impulsive. Liang Xiaoqing had left her hometown and come to teach in Shuiqing Town. Along the way, she had tried other work, only to find that teaching was the only thing she could do for long.

This memory had gradually faded in her mind, growing faint. Sometimes she thought she had moved on, sometimes she wasn't sure. Occasionally, she would think of Jiang Tang as if she might still come back. She thought of her parents too, worrying about Yang Chunhua's health. She hadn't gone home in years. Last Spring Festival, she called her parents; Liang Zhongde answered. He asked where she was and told her to come back often, saying Yang Chunhua wasn't in good health.

Jiang Tang's death was still her unresolved knot. In the past, she had believed her parents were to blame; now she believed she herself was. She had become afraid to strive for anything. She grew timid, hesitant, suppressing her true nature and getting used to a solitary life.

Her involvement with Jiang Xu was entirely accidental. At first, it had been sympathy. Jiang Tang had once said that if you became a teacher, you should help your students within your means.

Jiang Xu was the first truly pitiful child Liang Xiaoqing had met since coming to Shuiqing Middle School. She wanted to help her, perhaps so that her future might be different.

She had let Jiang Xu move into her home. Jiang Xu's home was no longer livable, and her mother had recognized this too. So when Liang Xiaoqing went to their house that day, Wang Cai asked her to take Jiang Xu away.

Jiang Xu was very sensible. Having an extra person in the house didn't feel like an extra person at all. During that time, she would occasionally be reminded of the past, of her younger self—though at Jiang Xu's age, she hadn't been half as mature. Inevitably, she thought of Jiang Tang. She no longer deliberately avoided these thoughts, but she didn't have much uninterrupted time to dwell on them either. There was work, and with Jiang Xu living with her, she had to take care of her. So many things filled her life.

And so she would quickly come back to the present. Jiang Xu would call for her, talk to her, or do something else. Thus, she didn't think of Jiang Tang so often.

Jiang Tang remained in her memory; she would never forget her as long as she lived.

With Jiang Xu in the house, everything became full and bright. She rarely felt that emptiness and loneliness anymore. For Jiang Xu's grades, for her to get into a good high school, her attention was entirely focused on Jiang Xu.

Now she understood somewhat what Jiang Tang had said. Watching Jiang Xu improve day by day was like improving herself. She looked forward to Jiang Xu's changes, and living under the same roof had given her a closeness, a ease, that even surpassed her time with Jiang Tang.

Taking care of a child wasn't easy. She had to keep herself energetic at all times, correct the child promptly if she veered off track, and feel genuine joy when the child got better.

This feeling wasn't as fierce as love; it was more like a long, gentle stream.

The rain outside was being dumped in sheets, smacking against the window.

Jiang Xu's words to her left her at a loss. How was she supposed to treat the child she had watched grow up as an adult? It was like asking Jiang Xu to leap across more than a decade of years.

The room was empty. Wind slipped through the gap left by the unlatched window, carrying rain with it.

But Jiang Xu was already gone.